I promise, I'll believe. Whatever that meant. Consciousness. Presence. Moment. Im wearing Presence by Armani. Eh. Mont Blan. Used to. in college. Now you know why its called presence. Cus I'm never-present. I feel like Im living in a fantasy, a world outside of the physical house I live in, the streets I walk everyday. Somehow this past week I've been feeling out of tune. Maybe I set myself up to thinking random people can make me happy. Or whatever that means. Wherever you are...I miss you!

Saturday night, Im sitting at the computer. Ive been depressed. Ive been sad and lonely. I need my own time so much. I need to socialize. Im cured. I have no problems. I give, and never get anything back. How can you be a teacher in metaphysics when everyone that comes to listen is a vampire. If all in energy, and energy is love, everything is love. Heard this. been there, done that. Its time to move past it. Its time to understand. Embrace. Our reality is shifting so rapidly, I can barely catch the waves in the morning. Get out surfboard for the day and just sweesh, go to Big Lots and buy venetian blinds for my house. 


There are people that piss me off. I think of karma. I think of timing. I think of times. If a friendship is meant to be over, will it be when that trigger happens? or will it happen when the TIME COMES. 


I think both. The time is the trigger. 


A time to love, a time to hate. Trying to boost my girlfriends self-esteem I complimented her how hot she looks in high heels and commented a few times on her facebook photos. One day she yelled at me that she thought I like her. I said, of course I do, you're my friend. She said, No, I meant like me, LIKE ME. We both laughed. Well...our friendship was over around 11 a.m. on a Saturday corner of 13th and Meridian Ave. 


Do people really sense  if you are a giving person or a receiving person. Ha, 10 years ago, I would say people are not psychic. Its not true. People ARE psychic. The only underline is: they are not AWARE of it. 


So many times I snapped out at colleagues, friends, family and strangers with accusations of things they did to hurt my integrity, and they either never spoke to me again, called me crazy, ran off, forgave my flaky mood that day, etc. Thanks, and no, thanks. It took my 24 and a half years to realize what I have been shown to realize: I am more aware, than they are. I know things, they dont. How hard and unfair life is. Destiny is so delicate. 


But how do I tell them? Can you ever say something like, "I see a dark cloud standing next to you". Can you say, something is wrong with your energy today. Can you say, whats bothering you? Definately, YA. 


And then it begins. Oh, you know, same old, tired, sleepless, jobless, loveless, homesick, lovesick, lost, confused, unemployed, dumped........................how much more of my energy are you going to try and suck?


You can suck on something else now. 


Thats right.
Dont you know better? Never try help anyone unless they ask you for help. ESPECIALLY manipulators. Poeple who push your buttons and when you've had enough and put your foot down, they start crying, running around, even apologizing sometimes. 


Give me break. Im so sick of people's guilt trips. 


GUILT TRIPPERS: this is why you are reading this article.
STOP. QUIT> END OF PROGRAM.

I had spent the weekend volunteering at the Newlife Expo in Ft. Lauderdale. I had met wonderful people and kept wanting to share my story with them, but something was holding me back. I remembered how Ellie would emphasize my willing to sabotage the best things in life. I wondered if that was the case.


It seems whenever an opportune moment arises, the female-male thing comes in play. Every male there has been in my life, except for one, had been there to distract and put obstacles in my path. To trigger something within me, and then leave, one way or another. Its like there's a mechanism inside them. It seems we recognize each other's programs fast enough. Do we not?